Toxic Shame and Complex Trauma
The role of shame in development
Shame is a natural experience. It’s uncomfortable and teaches us to avoid shame-inducing experiences. Whilst it isn’t an enjoyable feeling, it is also protective; it helps us learn socially acceptable behaviour and thus how to develop relationships. In this way, shame is integrative and helps us develop healthily. For shame to be a good teacher, children need the experience of an attuned parent to help them integrate the shame they experience. In this way, shame teaches the child “it’s not you, it’s the behaviour”, or “I don’t love that behaviour, but I do love you”. In this way, the experience of shame is minimised and fleeting experiences of it don’t challenge our core beliefs about ourselves.
Attuned parents are not perfect parents, but they are able to recognise the needs of their child, and even the moments when they are not attentive or attuned. In these moments, attuned parents are able to talk to their child about this and initiate relational repair. This rupture-shame-re-attunement cycle goes on throughout the parent-child relationship and is normal. Children then learn to trust adults, to accept themselves, and that it is ok to be vulnerable in relationship with others.
When shame is harmful
Children who have experienced abuse and neglect in their early childhoods generally haven’t had a healthy experience of shame. For these children, the vital developmental experience of an attuned and attentive parent wasn’t there, and therefore shame becomes disintegrative and overwhelming. Over time, repeated experiences of disintegrative shame shapes our core identity into “I am a shameful/bad/unlovable person” and tends to lead to chronic anger and controlling behaviours as the child tries desperately to avoid experiencing themselves in this way. They do not experience the same separation of their behaviour from themselves as children who have a healthy experience of shame. These children feel alienated and defeated, never quite good enough to belong. Trapped in shame, this shame becomes toxic. They develop defences to avoid the experience of toxic shame. we may think of this like a shield of defence. The child may:
Blame - “It’s their fault”
Lie - “I didn’t do it”
Minimise - “It wasn’t that bad”
Rage - “You always blame me!”
As therapeutic Parents and caregivers, we need to recognise the need in these moments to focus on connection and regulating the child. Corrective techniques or behaviour modification is doomed to fail because the child is holding their ‘shame shield’ up to protect themselves. Toxic shame prevents learning. As children learn that their anxieties, worries, and fears will be understood and an attentive parent will help them feel better, shame-induced behaviours decrease. Only then will the child be able to experience remorse and make amends.
Tips for parents:
Avoid punishing with withdrawal of relationship, this reinforces the child’s belief that adults cannot be trusted and that they are unlovable.
When child is in toxic shame, avoid using too many words and lecturing – focus on tone and simple messages to develop the child’s understanding.
Model healthy responses to shame by owning mistakes and apologising. It’s ok to get it wrong and tell your child you’re sorry.
We can still correct behaviour, but only once the child is regulated.